No Surprises Living In Devizes: First Birthday Smash!

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Can it really be a year since the first 'No Surprises...' was unleased on an unsuspecting public?


THE model of all which is traditional about our humble town was enveloped in one fantastic Gazette article this week; Basil Brush was found safe.

Scholar’s archaic charity collection box in the shape of the popular TV character Basil Brush, which most modern youngsters would have to Google, was found in St Mary’s churchyard. All I can say is those fox hunters really took things too far this time.

Whoahh there Worrow, try to be nice, it is, after all this causerie’s first birthday, which is why I’ve made little effort to write this one; I’m busy blowing up balloons and cutting cheese sandwiches into triangles. You have my phone to thank for the pit-stop, reminding me that it’s been a whole, long drawn out year since I began writing my regular column “No Surprises Living in Devizes.”

Twas February 9, 2016, I don’t know what came over me as I checked Facebook before my mid-morning nap; hard life I know. Seeing a news post from a site I’d not heard of before I quickly despatched a message without any real thought as to the implications of my actions.

Forward wind a year and No Surprises Living In Devizes has become a bit of a “thing,” the best description I can come up with.

Every weekend a new episode goes live like the unleashing of a crazed dragon on steroids. I face a plethora of responses and feedback; some are nice.

Yeah it’s satire, something which soars over the heads of some like a B52.

Yeah it’s a rant, playing a character more left wing then Jeremey Corbyn’s vest in a preponderance of conservative snobbery, and yeah, it’s very design is to turn your stomach after resting off your Sunday roast. But hey, I try to be pleasant. I said try.

There’s brute honesty in the causerie journalism doesn’t usually convey in this day and age. This stems from the fact I’m not a journalist, I’m just the milkman; tell your mum I said hi. It also, as mentioned at the beginning, brings a straightforward view on life in our traditional market town, with wonky edges.

Here’s a thing I quickly learned, it’s impossible to find a weekly subject to rant about Devizes every week and if there is one surprise in Devize; it be art it be a proper gurt lush place and I’m gandeflanking yer shagger. So I set about ensuring all the good things about this town, and all the good people which organise them are fairly mentioned and highlighted.

But in the beginning I didn’t know where it would take me. That moment of lunacy is why we are here today, all I can do is apologise for unleashing such a thing, but I know the odd word or two has amused the few and therefore I cordially invite you, yes you, to pop over to the online event page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/1912883465607970/ over the weekend and stress your abhorrence of my distasteful musing. It’s a gate-crashing free zone; parents are out so bring your latest Kajagoogoo long-player and invite your friends, family and anyone else you loath.

Like most things these days there’s a catch; although I promise balloons it’s less party and more shameless promotion for the new book of the same name.

Yep, I’ve bunged all the weekly columns over the past year into one bumper fun annual for your reading displeasure. What a rip off, I know, but it does have an interactive contents page which took me longer to work out how to produce than it did to write it and, alas, now you can recap on a year of me whinging on and generally being annoying.

I recommend you get comfy, maybe with a strong tipple, download the eBook: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06X9MQ38J/ and recap on all the wonderful escapades (did I say wonderful? Sorry, woeful) we’ve been through together. Then next week I promise we will continue as usual.

There’s more on the youth of today theme to be said, which never grows tiresome (does it?) as during this week’s Storm Doris, Facebook group The Devizes Issue received a comment congratulating Devizes School kids who were spotted picking up recycling spoiled from a windswept bin; this is just the kind of thing I was waffling on about, kids rock, and where we’ll pick up again next week; hopefully rapping with the Wiltshire Assembly of Youth and UK Youth Parliament.

But I’d like to finish today’s if I may, by thanking all the wonderful people I’ve met during this venture in pathetic drivel. I could not have messed it up this badly without you; see you at the party, I’ve washed my mankini and put on some slap especially.

DARREN WORROW

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