No Surprises Living In Devizes: It’s no joke, this town delivers more than brexfast

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Claire Perry on the local campaign trail


GLORIOUS leader Claire Perry takes to Facebook this week to say, “Just seen a hilarious item in the ‘Daily Mail suggesting I will be moving to Cambridge! Rest assured, I moved with my family into the heart of Devizes Constituency in 2013 and that is where I intend to stay.”

I’ve no political rant objective this week, favouring to bash on about the less gloomy subject of our takeaway poll, but the post validates the fundamental difference between Claire and myself; our definition of “hilarious”.

I cannot see anything mildly amusing in raising our hopes like that, and the clear indication the Daily Mail simply makes stuff up for the heck of it. Reserved to the fact I’d never known had she not mentioned it, I refrain reading fake news posing as tangible. So thanks Claire, confirms more than one of my suspicions.

Casting politics aside, I’ve chaired a meeting with my cabinet, a pine flat-pack from Argos; we agreed I should call a Facebook opinion poll, which was held on the third of April.

I want to explain the reasons for that decision, and the choice facing Devizes people when they voted in this poll.

Devizes needed certainty, stability and strong chilli sauce, and since I became author of No Surprises I have been delivered precisely that.

Despite predictions of immediate financial and economic danger, we have seen consuming takeaways remains high, record numbers of curries, and egg fried rice that has exceeded all expectations. Some takeaways have also delivered exactly from the menu that we were handed by a leaflet distributor on national wage.

Devizes is leaving the Just Eat app and there can be no turning back. And as we look to the future, the One Spice has the right menu for negotiating a relationship with our bellies.

We want deep-pan and special fried rice with strong and successful European onions and a United King-prawn, freedom to chant the best fish n chip shop is on the Eastleigh Road.

At this moment of enormous local significance there should be unity here in Devizes, but instead there is division. The curry is coming together, but Pizza Express is not…. Sorry, sorry everybody, I can’t keep this up; pretending the snap election news is of equal importance to our takeaway poll, but for some strange reason I fear staying in will be increasingly the new going out, now tabloids have virtually advertised Devizes as the ideal outing for terrorists.

One Spice in Maryport Street, Devizes

So seriously, the overdue takeaway poll results; you may recall we covered the winners; One Spice pipped Jade Garden at the last minute, followed by Ocean City and Taste of Bengal, then the best fish ‘n’ chip shop, Eastleigh Road came in fifth. But what about the others you cry; did my vote count for nothing? In this top-heavy Tory constituency you should be used that by now.

You may have to wait, I say, but man them fish n’ chips are fresh and tasty at our sixth place; Lees, which holds its position with the Lemon Plaice. Surprising lower is the quality Chinese restaurant Zumi, in seventh, perhaps voters were unaware they do takeaway.

Glad to see a mobile outlet hitting eighth place, it’s Jimmy’s Kebabs on the London Road and The New Pacific is under that. Joint tenth is Deedar and Chan Cottage. It’s nice for these independents to note they all beat national chains; Dominoes coming in eleventh.

The greatest sarnie in town is one under them; Jack Spratt. I’d wager it’s only this low as many categorise delis as a separate entity but, then, Subway didn’t even make the poll. Similarly defaulted is the Coconut, sounds exquisite but this is not “no surprises living in Bromham”.

Surprised Chick-o-Land scored ten points higher than Acropolis, a debate not worth venturing into. Nice but pricey, Pizza Express came 16th, closely followed by friendly Bengal Bite. Sadly the Northgate Kebab House one under that, but I’d recommend retrying them; having just changed hands it looks particularly fresh.

So, the lowest scores; sorry guys but Beijing Paradise and The Market Place only scored seven points, aforementioned Acropolis with six. Rick’s Grub Shack, one I don’t even know where it is, scored three.

Last but not least, Tinos still managed to get two votes, which is great considering its been closed for many years. Had I asked for your most memorable ones I believe the old pie shop would have been tops, but I didn’t. Try to live in the present Devizes, especially when ordering a takeaway delivery, or when deciding over the less important issue of election.

So there we have it, prior to the Devizes Food Festival, here’s the politically unbiased best and rest of places when you can’t be bothered to slam a Lidl’s lasagne in the microwave.

“It was with reluctance I decided the town needs this opinion poll, but it is with conviction that I say it is necessary to secure a strong curry and leading chippy the town needs to see us through to brexfast and beyond.”

DARREN WORROW

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